testing

testing

Conversation with myself

is it sacrilegious to throw a bible in the garbage?

umm... i dont know. just recycle it.

over my head

i have almost certainly got myself in over my head. for starters, after a month of a vigilant search, i have found my dream apartment: its small, yes but a bachelor. but it is $699 ALL INCLUSIVE! I'm talking prime realistate in an area where everything else is over $775. it has a gym, pool, tennis, racket. and its right by the subway and mall. its clean no bugs! upscale meaning, white people. and all mine as soon as a sign the lease now the problem: i don't have a job this however would not be a problem i know i have to get a job the problem is all of the annoying nagging intolerant people who insist on telling me I'm never going to make it I'm paraphrasing if i don't get a job damn parents! what the hell do they know! its not like I'm going to get a job people! stop stressing me out!! I'm stressing myself out now! onto my other issue the other thing that is working me into a tither is OCAD I'm going - whoopie i was on the site scrolling student work when i should have been looking for a job online like i should be right now pfft and i saw all of these amazing student works i don't know how in the hell i got accepted to this place i swear I'm nowhere near as good as these cracked people ON TOP of all that - i have always embraced this lifestyle of being a weird, outcast, dark, mysterious, artsy fartsy kidyoushoninhighschoolandarenowsportingtheridesignerthreadswhileprimpingyourcasawithalltheir paintings *GAAASP! Andy Warhol style - YE-A! but, i don't know about ocad now they seem really exclusive and i really have no idea how i am going to fit in there i think... yes... my dreams are ruining my life - my fantasies over reality I'm paralysed by my big dreams i have most certainly gotten myself in over my head check out the ocad student site: www.myocad.com

whats happiness to you?

happiness to me is my very own fridge.

making the choice of what gets cold and what doesn't....

fcuk lato 649, THATS freedom.

i could have sworn i updated this thing more recently than June 23.

quick up to date,

I'm moving out.

and it turns out its not as easy as one would think.

-i started out with a budget of $340.

-which was upped to 440$ when i found out that all $330 would buy me was:

deep felt sympathy and maybe a doorknob.

-turns out 440$ wouldn't even buy me a night stay at Toronto's snazziest hotel.

-so once again i upped my ante to $550

-$550 can only buy me a shared apartment with roaches and mice in crack/whore town on Jameson.

so i have upped my final ante to $600.

my AP-SO-LUTE max $625.

so. 625. and I'm hoping i can find a place on the subway....

ok I'm stopping now cause you simply know way to much about me.

and this damn thin is suppose to be anonymous!!

aaAArg!!

wait, what?

I simply don't listen.

I always just assume that things will be repeated, or re-explained.

when someone is explaining something to me, I'm usually thinking:

damn, this is complicated.
I should listen.
oh wait, what was that??
damn!
shoot! It's too late to pick it up now.
ok, maybe he will repeat it - or I could just play it off like I'm clarifying the initial instructions if he doesn't.

it's a major flaw.
I think.

what do you think?

hey, are you listening?

12:44 am

captains log:

it's may 9th.

i dont have a job for the summer yet -and if i dont get one soon a number of catastrophic events will domino into occurance

its coming. any day now i can feel it

the lecture

the "when are you getting a job tt?" "are you planning on getting a job?"

or just the plane glares/looks and condecending vibes that surge through the air like brick walls

so now the preassure is multiplied x10: coming from me, from them

ugh

god man

i HAVE to get a job

sept everytime i go to look my eyes glaze over

ugh.

ugh.

ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the end.

deadline people

what do you do when you are under a deadline?

you do the only natural and sane thing,

you delay and procrastinate until the very last minute!

then you cram when you discover that the due date is really a day earlier than

you expected

but a miracle: my prof, gave-me-an EXTENSION!

so now what do i do?

well, i make up for lost time!

i take advantage of these borrowed days!

ya...im gunna do this!

mmhmm...ya

ok...

right after sponge bob

conversations with myself

tt, are you aware that people are afraid of you

me? no - people like me

right, and you define that by the fact that they avoid eye contact and tremble when they speak to you, IF they speak to you?

maybe they are intimidated by my impeccable beauty

um...no

im popular

maybe in your mind! you're avoided like the plague!

what?

you're awkward and unapproachable

im NOT awkward! im an individual

you're a loner

i have mystic

you're crazy

im ECCENTRIC!!

you're off your nut

just as long as we agree

the summer is infectiouse

despite all my woes, i am finding it very hard to hate my life right now.
i mean, if i dont get into ryerson, and get out of windsor AND get away from my house in the burbs of TO - my life wont end, but it will take significant blows to the head to releave my depression.

yet, the summer, and the sky, and the breeze, are making it very hard for me to hate this life.


"People always say you should be yourself,
like yourself is this definite thing,
like a toaster, or something.
Like you can know what it is, even.

But every so often,
I'll have like -- a moment,
where being myself,
and my life right where I am is, like,

enough. " - Clair Danes in My So Called Life

that's why they don't make tank tops in double XL

its decided

fat people, mostly men, are not meant to be seen naked. EVER!

i have a drawing class in which we draw models
usually it's fun
much more interesting and important that drawing boxes

but today, we had a male model
who just happened to be a fellow student
a fellow UGLY student

now, he was hovering below average with clothes on
so i don't have to describe how his stock plummeted when he dropped throw

i don't want be be a terrible person
this man donates his nudity for my learning experience
and im here judging his ugly pasty, body?

that's horrible!

me judging him, not his body...

which is also horrible

but it has brought me to the realization, that fat people, no, fat men
should never be naked
sew their clothes right on!

now men in general are not good for drawing, or art at all really
the male form just does NOT lend it self to fine art
i mean, unless you're David, or Zeus or some other bronzed god, leave the job to the women!

eww
c r i n g e
there is no escaping it
i could have had dreams about a sexy CLOTHED ashton kutcher.

ok maybe he could be topless

but now...they will probably be a tainted by a sea of pasty, floppy, clumpy, fat mens brestage

diary confessions of a mad black drama queen

too many people are confessing to their neuroses theses days.

2004 was the year of secrets:

with diary of alicia keys,
diary of a mad black woman (05)
bridgett jones diary
confessions of a dangerous mind (03)
confessions of a drama queen
and just plane confessions by usher

this is such a conspiracy
people are trying to lure you and you fat pockets into believing that you are being invited into their private thoughts

which is not true

duh, bridgette, you're fat
yeah, usher, you're a cheating player

can you keep a secret?
this post is going nowhere

eyebrow distraction

have you ever noticed how every minute detail of your life or physical anatomy becomes intensely interesting and mesmerizing when you are under a deadline?

i have an essay due in about 15 hours

i have re written it about 3.5 times

still dont know what it's about

and i can stop looking at my eye brows

i should pluck them.

that stray hair could cause irreparable eye brow shape deviance if i leave it for another second.

i should pluck it...

repeat

p.s does anyone else hate vin diesel?

star

why canada hates toronto

"rude

snobbish

arrogant

self-absorbed

pushy

superior

u p t i g h t

demanding

pretentious

obnoxious

sel-satisfied

wannabe new yorkers

insular"

-ahh. it's good to be home <3

work/study...yeah right. more like...study and work if you lucky!

ok, so im posting from work.

i have about 45 min left....i think.
less when im done typing this

not couning the minus ten minutes im extracting cause im leaving early

i really shouldnt type long
not because im at work and am evading my employee duties
but because this room is soo incredibly filthy
im manhandeling the mouse and keyboard while typing
im sure im picking up all kinds of diseases, STD's and feckle orgnismic nastyness

some guy is doing god knows what behind me
eating - the aroma is making me queasy

another chick is hovering behind me

waiting to get on the pc

can you read this woman?

GET LOST IM NOT GETTING OFF

gross - this room is gross

tomorrow is thursday...and thursday i get to go home.

focus on that T

and try to stay in a zen frame of mind.

eww look at the dirt!

omg, im wasting time on here and its forcing me to keep touching this nasty stain that is crustated on the "o" key!!!!

EWWWWWWW

frm nw n im nt using that key.

what am i talking abut?

im getting ff!!

this is grss!!

study - budy

...we have a lot of family and sexual dysfunction because of the imposition of christianity, western morality and abuses endured....

reading...Successfully until, gone and sixty seconds comes back from commercial

5 min later

…have a lot of family and sexual dysfunction because of the imposition of christianity, western morality and abuses endured....

glances back to the tv

5 min later

...sexual dysfunction because of the imposition of christianity, western morality and abuses endured in the residential school system…

i hate these readings
i mean really, if it was important, wouldn't they have made it into a movie by now?

The Construction of a Negative Identity - if that was a movie, you'd watch it right?

hold that thought, the movie is back on!

just because

just because i don't talk to you
doesn't mean im shy
-i hate you

just because i don't smile
doesn't mean im mad
-you're not funny

just because i don't care what you think
doesn't make me a bitch
-I speak my mind

just because i hate it here
-doesn't mean im going home with you

oooo

i am so the king of poetry tonight!

that was my first poem people!

cheer me!

praise me!

love me!

then give me some money

it's friday night,

this is my third...? post?

i'm listening to aimee man and talkin to my pc

WHOO IS BORED PEOPLE

bored and the most sad 21year old ever.

thats like the icing on the gravy

- i put this in a dark colour in hopes you wont see it.

fancy shmance. it's a word - ya!

oooooooo fancy!!!

im so proud of my new layout

i even carried the counter and the tag box over to this template!!

i probly shouldn't get so excited

i still cant figure out how to post my image in my profile

or figure exactly what time zone im in

but hey...little steps people

before you make judgments, know this:

i do have a life...its just loading

hahahaaaaa

oh me
oh my

thursday

it's dark in here

visions are flashing to my head as i reminisce,

my re occurring dreams and you said...

lets go to A&P

-miss you les

the beginning of that was the lyrics to imogen heap's

come here boy

dont ask -

it sounded good in my head

Les,

my big, little sister has the most sporadically updated blog

but it has fun colours

yadaa-yadaa.blogspot.com

daddys girl

it's my dads birthday tomorrow

well

in an hour

i'll put this on here because...well...because of the wonderful things he does

dad,

i miss you selfishly

when you are around you make me smile, you make me sigh, you make me laugh

and often cry

no i'm kidding

this isn't a poem.

thank you for making me feel like im worth more than gold

and deserve more than the moon

dad, you make me feel loved and i miss you so much

so so so so much

i miss you because when you are gone, so is a piece of me

happy birthday dad

caveman

my internet is down

so im writing this on word

i went down to the front desk to find out what was wrong with this thing,
and they just stare at me blindly
as if im handing them an engine and asking them to repair it.

That part was weak, I'll come back to it and make it funnier in a sec

I mean, do they really expect me to go to the computer lounge?

use those disgusting, germ infested computers with the rest of the non-owning computer commoners?

Um, I don't think so!

You really expect me to openly search for pictures of justin timberlake within eye shot of witnesses waiting to expose me,

accusing me of being a anti-pop poser?
Letting people know that yes...i am on some level a sheep who just wants to see him topples

But would deny it to the tortus if you ever asked me about it!
In fact, im going to delete this part later when I post - lest I forget
Reminder: look up lest in dictionary and make sure it makes sense

So, im still unhooked

And I feel disconnected

Lost

What is my computer good for if not a glorified typewriter without internet?

everything I came up with doing to kill time involved the internet
- check e-mail (obvious i know)
- send e-mail ( im slow)
- update my itunes
- talk to les
everything involves the web!

I guess this means im actually going to have to do my hmwrk.

bleh

$%&#@#

edward norton said it best.
and i must agree.
i hate this place.

i don't ever cuss by the way.

unless you count in my head...

or when im alone...

or in a different language...

or when i replace the real word for other things like eff, ish, arse

...and i don't. so...continue

Fuck this whole city and everyone in it.

Let an earthquake crumble it.

Let the fires rage,

let it burn to fuckin ash,

and let the waters rise and submerge this whole rat infested place.

that movie is worth buying...just for that.

don't ever go to windsor. just...take my word for it.

going to the states from canada? go thru sarnia.

best years of my life - my arse

mypod

i should say, this pic isn't mine

i wish it were

cause if it were that would mean i would be in toronto, at home

and it would be summer time

i love my ipod

its a pal

no, really

its nam is brooklyn

i take care of it like an eyeball out of its socket

i have special cloths

cases

protecting visors

and i only got it for xmas!

so, i was in class and i saw this yank with hers

she took it out of her bag and dropped it on the desk!

just...out in the open - for everyone to see

don't get me wrong,

i love mypod and want everyone to know i have one

but i don't want it to get jacked

and here in hickville, even in TO, ipod theft is a huge issue

but that isn't the point

the point is that she just FLUNG it down!

without a case - on a dirty, contaminated, potentially damagin surface

im a germ-o-phobe too

is she mad???

has she completely lost her mind???

the fragile shell of the ipod is like...well, an EYEBALL!!

it scratches soo easy!

the fact that she's swinging it around without a case leads me to these conclusions:

1. she has money

and therefore has the deniro to buy a new one

WHEN that one breaks

scratches

gets ripped

whatever - cause it will

2. she's poor

and cant afford a proper case

3. did not pay for it.

cause if she had,

she would know,

and love that ipod with every music loving fiber of her nonchalant being!

if you're not an ipod owner, you wont get this post.

its like,

parents with their kids

people with their pets

the cheap with their money

its like that

i love my ipod

and it loves me

boys don't fantasize about girls in the back row

and vise versa

the mystery of
- the back of a persons head
- side of their face
- their hair
- while only hearing their voice

if you are sitting in the back nobody can see you

and having fallen for many guys,

tho completely one sided

like all of my intimate relationships

i like them, but they don't know who i am

who have sat infront of me

then plummeted immediately out

after seeing that their glossy hair and whisky voice

originated from a scary impression of

i don't know,

someone really ugly

ok...where was i going with this?

i lost my - pointless/slightly humorous/but only to me - thought

a polar bare attacks the set of lost.

so the big growling thing, was a polar bare.

wow. i never saw that coming. prob cause its not possible.

my new theory - the kid caused the crash, like he caused that bird to hit the glass....

this show is irritatingly hypnotic.

its like a soap opera. everyday you think they are going to find out that grace is really a man.

but you don't. so you get the courage up to stop watching. and cave about 6 months later, only to find them in the EXACT same place.

let me make a prediction:

the preg chick comes back, only to discover her diary has been violated by the only person

on the island she thought cared about her - who made her feel safe & that causes a huge rift

b/w them.

or

she comes back post pregnancy - doesn't remember what happened to her child,

or she cant talk cause they cut out her tongue!!! causing the hobbit to fall out of love with her cause really, without her tongue....?

oy.

i really hate this show.

necks...ya

have you every really looked at your neck?

i mean, they are weird. and completely useless
and im talking, aesthetically. not actually

and they look funny. the extend from your shoulders or drop from you head - whichever

'n they are kinda skinny

the reason why im writing this is cause i just recently discovered mine

i used to be a total flintstone. but somewhere along the way, i developed a neck

and its...wait...4 inches and a quarter long!!!

wow

i wonder if thats a record

i wonder if this is a record for most pill dependent post

hmmmm...

this is positivly the worst way i have ever stalled from doing my wrk
but educational none the less!

one more weekend wasted - with no regret

i really had the best of intentions for this weekend.

i was going to get everything done.

go to the library, rewrite my notes, do all my university application stuff.

but of course, in true Tccc tradition, i goofed off with les.

so on sunday now, i rushed around like a chicken with its head cut off.

but i did manage to see in good company with topher grace - very good.

rossario dawson

and scarlette johanson

are the most original beauties in hollywood

now its back to the sucky windsor grind.

and with winter back in full effect, i hate this place a little more than ever.

gumball lesson

i don't know how anorexics do it

honestly

i didn't eat anything but fruit today.
not by choice but sadly cause there is no food in this house.

turns out, since my untimely exit for this family household,
everyone has been eating ice cream, take out and chocolate.

there isn't a vegetable, FRESH fruit or decent protein with in a 5 mile radius of this house.

so i ate like...nothing.

5 cups of green tea

4 bananas

smoothie - i made out of the stale fruit in the fridge

and i think that's it!!!!

now its 743 and im chewing gum. which is wrong cause i don't eat after six.

here is my problem with this gum..

which i should mention, i live on.

i mean really.

i will go days where i eat egg whites, lettuce and gum.

they have started putting a nutrition chart on the package.

WHY!

you really think i want to know im consuming 12g of carbs in one BALL of gum?

you think i want to give up the only food i eat guilt free!!!

WHY YOU BASTARDS!

hey...maybe i would make a good anerexic..

p.s sooo good to be home

"dont trust anything that can bleed for five days and not die."

ilove that.

if i were a guy for one day, one of the first things i would do would be to say that.

then...i would make my way to jake gyllenhaals gym locker room..

i didn't go to class today...but i had a good reason!!!!

im surfing the crimson wave and i felt (and still do) SO green.

oh gross.

i missed my angry feminist class - so i figure my prof would be sensitive to stuff like this.

first week of class, and i think im off to a good start dont you?


I GET TO GO HOME!!!!

back to toronto!!!!

oh god - i love you toronto!!!

the bums, the stink, the semi clean subways!!!!!!

i love you like ice cubes in bermuda!!!!


now, everybody SCREAM!!!!

work it out

captains log

its 8am

i have to work out early in the morn before my brain figures out what im doing

they are watching

ok

oh my god

someone posted

you mean to tell me people are actually reading this?

now im all self-conscience!

i have a public to please!

and what if they aren't happy

what if...i lose my mojo...will they loot my web site and set it on fire?

oh my god...was that funny?? or stupid?

wait...was asking if that was stupid, stupid?

ok - the word "stupid" has lost all meaning